PS: oh my fudge. my old posts are so spasticated i cant even bear to continue reading backwards.
but i love a dead blog. :)
CHOCOLATE ;;
12:59 AM <3
i wanted to create a new blog. but i think i'm too lazy to do so. wad's with the blogskins and stuff.
mum's playing her really say "greensleeves" song at the background. really quite emoish. not really helping.
once upon a time i would say that pp who feel upset all the time are plain ridiculous and retarded. i beg to differ now.
sometimes shit happens. sometimes you just feel so scared of losing everything you have.
sometimes you've lost so much you fear that no matter wad you do or say nothing would be the same anymore.
i did try to say, i really did. maybe my communication skills suck. maybe i suck. maybe i don't deserve anything or anyone.
but i still want to try. just that i'm not sure why it doesn't work. i just don't noe how.
there's no one to teach me how.
i miss the times that we used to have. i really do. and there are things to remind me of the times.
but i really dunno wad to say. whenever we talk.
i feel afraid. afraid that i would incur your irritation and disgust.
that's why i dun say much. and i will say nvm. because i'm afraid and i really dunno how.
i just wish that someday my prayers will come true. i've been waiting and hoping some solution would come. even as i am seeking it.
but there seems to be no movement. and it seems that i'm the only one who feels the pain.
why must there be so many uncertainties? sometimes even though i really hate to say cliche things, but i really feel it this time. how i wish, i was someone else.
on the other note, i'm really happy still. conflicting but true. i'm happy for the friends God has brought me. to show me that He hasnt left me. that even when i feel that way, He's truly around me, supporting me, loving me. however undeserving i am. Thank you Daddy.
CHOCOLATE ;;
12:37 AM <3
wow. i just reread my blog and found that i had better english in the past than i have at the present moment. which is terrible. and i'm really glad this had become sort of like a private blog that nobody knows of because i let it die like a year ago. or two years ago.
anyway. these few months.. or rather, the past two months have been utterly confusing.
there're just so many decisions and paths to take i can't help but wanna just sit on the pavement and pray that God'll just show me the way.
He tells me to trust Him. and move on forward courageously because He's always before me. (deut 31)
but everytime i do it seems like i'll just see some stuff i really detest and abhor and i feel confused because both left and right lanes seem to have road blocks and vehicle pileups to block the way.
sometimes i just feel like, like i just dun feel anything at all. like a wooden block. i would cry. i would feel angry. i would feel really upset. but i dun feel anything at all now. like a wooden block. which scares me. oh. i feel fear.
which really shd'nt be the case. SIGH.
God's perfect love drives out all fear. yet i still fear. i know i shd'nt but there's just so many memories and childhood insecurities that threaten to drown me like i always do in pools. even the shallowest ones. and i feel like any moment i would just be engulfed by the raging storms in my heart.
why are humans so confusing? pp claim that females are intangible. ungraspable. confusing. bewildering. cunning.
but i fail to see it. somehow males seem so much more confusing and headache inducing than they claim credit for.
or maybe it's just me.
i hate this stupid feeling of being lonely.
oh well. on another note. school's great. i honestly thank God so much for allowing me to get to know so many darling pp whom i love very much! =) i had uberr amount of fun with them. =)
i know this ends on a lousy note but my brain isn't working and this blog has died years ago anyway. nites. =)
CHOCOLATE ;;
9:53 AM <3
HAHA.. finally this blog is revamped and alive once more.. how amazing right..
but there's a reason for me to revamp this. i'm severely disappointed in my parents.
these all happened like, a few days ago? it all started when my dad claimed that the poor and needy in material sense are MOST important in the world. and i said that that is not true. because yes, he claimed that bible in the past says that people in the church in the past saved the poor and needy. in the sense of giving money. however in the current world context, spiritual needs are EQUALLY important. to me, material needs are yes, INCREDIBLY important to those pp like africans and thai pp living in poverty. yes. they can die ANY moment. they ARE important. because you can't spread the gospel when they're on the dying bed right? they cannot even get eternal life if the just pass away like that! BUT. spiritual needy pp are pp who are affluent. they dun need the money they wun listen to you and they have a jaded view of God. they claim that HEY, i have money already! i dun need God. all i need is myself. who cares abt eternal life? there's reincarnation or what not! aren't these pp equally important? they cannot be saved if they refuse to even listen! they are completely opp. of the needy pp who'll listen to anything and are extremely receptive and open!
i was unsure of my own points and i asked the spiritual parents and adult leaders in church. they agreed with me. because it's really ridiculous if you insist that pp in need of material stuff ar e MORE important. THEY ARE EQUAL IN RANKING. and my dad insisted that he has SEEN THE WORLD because he went to thailand often. that's not the world. not even an explorer who has seen every inch of earth can claim he's seen the world. the only person who can see the world is God.
now my parents claim they are always right. pastors and all are ALL WRONG. cell is not needed. the church is a lie. only bible is right. yes. bible IS right. but without the correct interpretation from God it's NOT right. and their opaque view is not helping! they even say that we shd'nt account to the leaders or say anything truthful about our own past to the church pp. because jia1 chou3 bu4 ke3 wai4 yang2. oh no.. how can you not account to the leaders and LIE? they are our sisters and brothers in christ! and to speak the truth can only increase closeness to the family of God! that's the reason for cell and being members of the church! in the bible, it says the eye cannot say i dun need the leg. the brain cannot say i dun need the heart. the heart cannot say i dun need the ears. because we need EVERYBODY. WE are the body of christ and the church grows TOGETHER. not the individual cell in the body says, OH! i'm so great. the rest of the cells in the body sucks. i can live on my own. the lone cell WILL PERISH!
maybe that's the reason why they drifted. and i can't say all these to them. because God said honour your parents. i can't fight back or even tell them in a loving manner that they're wrong. they're too caught up in their own pride as the elders to realise their folly and misunderstanding.
i just feel really upset. they were such Godly and loving parents. what caused them to be just like the atheists? to reject all forms of new knowledge and just to bask in their own knowledge? yet claim the whole world is wrong and prideful and we jump to conclusions fast when they're too egoistic to see that it is their own faults they're accusing pp of?
SIGH. i really dunno wad to do..
CHOCOLATE ;;
6:10 AM <3
i think. i'm on fire. So you think you can dance is just so hot!! seriously, i've never felt so much like dancing. possessed. whoa. i need to douse myself with water to calm the flames. it was soooooooooo HOT. i personally like allison and ivan. however, today, heidi and benji blew me away. their mambo was so fast and so coordinated, it was fantastic.
okok. i'm off the topic. just wanna say Happy New Year! and God bless! thanks for the many messages and stuff! you guys rock!! and. stop requesting for money. i'm not giving any. blehh. haha. OK! gotta go watch more shows. anyway, this is my favourite song now. listen to it.
Artist:
Neyo
Album:
In My Own Words
Title:
Sexy Love
My sexy love... (so sexy...)
[Verse 1]
She makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up
Just one touch
And I errupt like a volcano and cover her with my love
Babygirl you make me say (Ohh ohhh ohhhh)
And I just can't think (of anything else I'd rather do)
T han to hear you sing (sing my name the way you do)
When we do our thing (when we do the things we do)
Babygirl you make me say (Ohh ohhh ohhhh)
[Chorus]
Sexy love girl the things you do
Keep me sprung keep running back to you
Who I love making love to you
Babygirl you know your my (sexy love...)
[Verse 2]I
I'm so addicted to how she's the sweetest touch
Just in love
Still to much say that I simp and I'm sprung on I might be your boy
I can't you make me say (Ohh ohhh ohhhh)
And I just can't think (of anything else I'd rather do)
to hear you sing (sing my name the way you do)
When we do our thing (when we do the things we do)
Oh, Babygirl you make me say (Ohh ohhh ohhhh)
[Chorus]
Sexy love girl the things you do
Keep me sprung keep running back to you
Who I love making love to you
Say babygirl you know your my (sexy love...)
[Verse 3]
Oh baby what we do it makes the sun come up
Keep on lovin' til it goes back down
And I don't know what I would do if I would lose your touch
That's why I'm keepin' you around... my sexy love
[Chorus X2]
Sexy love girl the things you do
Keep me sprung keep running back to you
Who I love making love to you
Say babygirl you know your my (sexy love...)
She makes the hairs on the back of my head stand up
Just one touch...
CHOCOLATE ;;
4:31 AM <3
if only, you can make me smile and mean it
if only, you can kiss away my tears
if only, you can make me feel secure
if only, you can see through the mask i put and assure me everything will be ok
if only, you can really understand me
if only, you are someone i can rely on
if only, you really love me and care for me
then
this list will cease to exist.
CHOCOLATE ;;
9:12 AM <3
i loved this year's christmas!! thanks pp who msged! haha. ok. i can't rmb wad else is there but these are the basic stuff. trust me.
i realised something this year. if you expect something, you might be disappointed. but if you expect nothing, you'll be greatly surprised. for most pp, i adopted the second approach. and.. i love you guys really. you pp made me super happy!! haha. esp those i seldom talk to. thanks for making this year more memorable than it ever had been. but i realised that i didn't really learn my lessons from the past. even though i had to learn them the hard way. i guess it's time for me to remember the stuff i learnt. by the way, these apply to every situation.
CHOCOLATE ;;
6:20 AM <3
haha. =) so touched! thanks pp who rmbered! msged.. msned.. tagged..
i had a lovely bdae. with a great ending with my mum. wow. managed to write that down without any sarcasm! anyway.. haha. i'm not sure of wad to blog about as well.. just that.. i love all the presents i got from pp! esp this angel thing. =) haha.
the pp who msged.. qing dear, mui hiang, yanyi, derrick, danial, jie li, shuang ai, jia xin, katarina, yating, dean, samson.. OK and the rest i can't rmb.. msn i think there was fabian.. haha. sorry. memory lapse. but i'm really thankful to all you pp! love every single one of you. i msged back! haha. and thanks for remembering! and those who testi-ed too! and someone who accompanied me to 11.30 at night. haha. =) i love you.
and this little girl have God to thank for for this wonderful day!
CHOCOLATE ;;
12:00 AM <3
i've been on a short leash lately. getting kind of bad. quite temperamental. been irritated easily at the slightest things.
sigh. what's wrong with me.
somehow stuff that i never found irritating causes me to become irate just as easily as blow a feather across your hand. don't ask me about the description. it's sort of random.
i guess sometimes if the thing you want makes you wait for a long time, imatience slowly sets in. and subconsciously, i let the impatience get the best of me.
there was a farewell party for YU WEI today! quite fun. but the surprise was spoiled. i thought i spoiled it. since i was the one who had to bring him there. but somehow it turned out the KEN and GWEN messaged him last night via sms and msn that they couldn't go to his farewell party. goodness. HAHA. oh well. at least we had fun together! quite alot of pp showed up.
and here's a shout out to my darling QING. i'm so sorry i can't got out with you tml! seriously. hope you aren't too angry to eat the gelato i'm going to get you when we go out? haha. LOVE YOU!
CHOCOLATE ;;
8:58 AM <3